My long confession

Disclaimer: The terms "attachment" and "detachment" that I've used here may or may not convey the same meaning as they do in spiritual books.

It was some time around my mid-college times that I realized I was missing something in life. How is it that people live through a moment so much? I moved my clock to the past. My name was in the local newspapers for securing some material rank in the school board exams, but I was not elated by it. I think I was not "attached" to the result of the exams; my parents enjoyed the moment more than I did. Then the dilemma between medicine and engineering, I just didn't have any preference, for I was not "attached" to either biology or maths. Off I joined college, students missed their home during their initial days of hostel life. But I don't think I ran through those emotions as well, for I think I was not "attached" to my home.

And then expressions. I believed that what exists in the heart is worth million times more than what is expressed. "All the best", "Congratulations", "Have a nice day", "Happy new year", "Happy vacation" - all these were mere formalities to me, for I was fairly convinced that they're words wasted and will not control any outcome in this world. Some of my friends still make fun of me for giving a nil-reaction when they told me I had got through a job interview during the campus season.

That was when I forcefully decided to slowly "attach" myself to this world. I thought I would be able to understand people better this way. But I didn't know that once I get in, the chain would take care of my entanglement and I will forever be lost in the illusion of "attachment". It started with people first. By the time I passed out, I got myself attached to my closest set of friends that I remember crying many nights for having to be separated from them. After college, I attached myself to my job. Success in getting something to work motivated me to achieve further. But minor disappointments arising from small expectations affected me. I even started to show my outside frustrations at home. Sometimes there were conflicts of the attachment priorities too, say, when my people were unhappy about something, I was not able to concentrate at work.

I started to realize that today it could be my closest people or the dearest things, but tomorrow it could be any Tom, Dick and Harry that could throw me off my equilibrium. The chain of questions started. Since when did I start getting disappointed? Well, since when did I start having expectations? I started tracing back since then and it was not until recently that I root-caused this to the experimentation I had started a few years ago. Phew, I became a prey of my own experiment. It became such a progressive process inside me that even I didn't know when it started and how it coursed itself through.

After my ISB battle, I was upset for a few days, but I think in a detached life I wouldn't have got affected. I am able to confidently say this because I am going through something similar right now. I am loving my house construction just as I love my MBA aspiration, but then there's a difference, I am less attached to the house. The construction is waiting on the bank loan. Thanks to a human error made during the conversion of housing authorities, my loan has come to a hiatus at the last moment. I've been trying for the last two months, but thanks again to all the politeness and sincerity I got to witness in government offices, the struggle might take longer. But I'm definitely able to handle this better; my parents are more disturbed than I'm.

So, has all this experimentation deteriorated my journey towards things beyond life. May be true, but I personally don't think so. I have surely learnt so much during these "attachment" years. The most prominent of those is my belief in what I don't understand as God. It might take more than a life's time for me to understand, but then I know what has changed in me. I've also experienced the greatest of my delights and celebrated the happiest of my moments. But I've also suffered the worst of my disappointments.

What concerns me now is, was I "useful" to anyone during those phases of disappointments. I think to be "useful" to anyone including myself, without attachmental prejudices, I need to be in equilibrium first. If attachment is going to throw me off it, I don't think I need it. Frankly I don't know which way to go, but if my love to people will not reduce, if my hunger to achieve something in life will not mince, if my dedication to my actions will not subdue, or in short if my commitment to life will not suffer - I think I should make every effort not to stay "attached".

I'm sorry, one more on relationships

Again a TV show, this time a debate - "Whether it's love or friendship, you give your 100%. If the other person is giving only 70%, it's he who's losing the 30%". For a change, it was not a guy and a girl arguing, but they were two guys, who are long-time friends in real life.

I can definitely see the truth in it, at the same time, I can argue with myself against it too. You give your best, you'll gain the most; you don't doubt, you'll derive the maximum bliss, agreed. But how do you handle when your expectations are not met. Expectations are the cause of all disappointments, but then can you really lead a life without expectations? When you give 100%, it's very unnatural not to expect 100% back. But thinking laterally, I think these expectations and disappointments are a little malformed because according to the laws of probability if not the laws of life, we would ourselves be failing to meet the expectations on the other side by the same amount.

I think a relationship, as one of my friends puts it, is like a flowing river. It goes through an amazing journey, but the true test comes when disturbed. You throw a stone, you'll know how clear the bed beneath is. The muckier it gets, the more rotten the relationship is. But the quickness and longevity with which the muck is cleared will demonstrate the purity and the strength of the relation. Flood and drought, well, they're part of the package too.

I've nothing to opine, nothing to conclude, so I leave it open.

Stay selfish, Stay foolish

That's a title inspired from Steve Jobs' speech at Stanford on "Stay hungry, Stay foolish", but it suits this discussion. Of late I've been having funny conversations with friends on the concept of marriage, to see how they react, and of course with a selfish interest to learn.

I would start like this - When we're one big happy family, and no one has "vested" interest in a different family, where'll there be problems, who'll think about God. So, marriage is a concept invented by God to divide and rule us. Marriage by itself is not the only problem, we create more problems around it, the most prominent being our children. We solve this new problem that we create by growing the children. Finally we get them married so that they can also create more problems and solve them. In all, we don't solve any existing problem, but convince ourselves that we're doing a great job. I would go on speaking more nonsense.

Finally, the discussions would boil down to one argument. When's the best result achieved - when everyone's selfish or when everyone's selfless? If everyone's selfish and takes care of own and the family, isn't the world taken care by itself. Well, most management concepts will tell you so, but is life another capitalistic playground? Help yourself, help your family, help your friends - be selfish, why care about the rest of the world anyways? But then if everyone keeps the house clean, who cleans the street? Well, it'll be someone who's paid for it so that he can take care of his own family. The argument would mostly stop here.

I included helping friends also in the list of selfish acts above. That doesn't mean I advocate charity as the most selfless act. I personally am not a big proponent of charity. But I am a big fan of communist ideas like bridging economic inequalities, reservations, etc. if they are rationally implemented. Recently I heard someone, who I remember once spoke so vehemently against caste-based reservation, come out openly in support of reservations for women. I didn't quite understand that though. Anyway, that's not relevant to this discussion. Let us hope that some day reservation becomes clean, and it takes suppression, economy, exposure, and everything else other than caste into account. May be when we reach that stage, reservations might not be required at all?

Coming back to our discussion about marriages and children, I am still having such funny conversations and still learning. If you've something even funnier, let me know too.

Raise your voice, Get your share

My "halli" only had Reliance Wimax connectivity when I came back to Bangalore. I was disappointed because I was not confident that Reliance will give me a satisfactory broadband connection, for I knew Reliance is known for its over-subscription.

True to my assumption, the connection was pathetic. But I convinced myself that this was the best possible and that I had only a few more months to leave Bangalore anyways. Now that I didn't go anywhere, I complained and got my antenna position shifted towards a new tower. I'm now getting a real cool connectivity of almost 1 mbps most of the time. Just in case any of you is using Reliance, I think you'll not get your share until you raise your voice. I think this's true about many things in life? Let me wait till this new tower gets over-subscribed.

Trust vs Loyalty

After the "glimpse" of a megaserial, now it's about a "glimpse" of a movie. A millionaire, after an accident, is pretending to be blind to learn about some frauds happening at his home. The heroine, the only other person who knows he is not blind, is in his house as a nurse. The hero, who also works in the house, happily flirts with the heroine every now and then and even in front of the millionaire. After one such flirting episode, the millionaire tells the heroine "I'm really impressed with you, you've not even disclosed the truth to your boyfriend".

But does this happen in real life? I knew a friend who wanted to shift teams within her company. She just enquired about the role to the new manager and asked him not to tell her old manager before she finds the right time to tell. Even if the new manager wanted to get some feedback, he could have just waited for her consent, but he didn't do that. Now she can't face her old manager. I was discussing about this today with a friend to whom I go for such enlightenment, for she's an excellent scholar of Hindu philosophies - "I tell you something and ask you not to tell your husband. If you tell him, you break my trust. If you don't, you break your loyalty to him. What'll you do?" She said "I'm not sure if the latter is true, but I for sure know the former is true, so I'll not tell him".

Truth vs Gain, Peace vs Truth, Duty vs Peace, Loyalty vs Duty, Trust vs Loyalty, the chain can go on, but I think in all of the above, I would want to "rationally" choose the former whenever I can. But yes, I agree that exceptions can be made for a "selfless good". There would surely have been a few instances in my life, where I might not have practiced this, by writing it down I want to make sure I practice it. If you're my friend and you expect me to uphold loyalty to you at the cost of breaking someone else's trust in me, I might probably decide to resign from your friendship rather than breach the trust. I'm sure I will run into a quandary with my wife on this, I will use this to tell her that "I'm sorry I'm following this from Jul 8, 2009." ;)

I will just end this with a verse from a Tamil epic, Thirukkural -
Poimaiyum vaaimai udaithu puraitheerndha
Nanmai payakkum enin.
Even falsehood has the nature of truth, if it confers a benefit free from fault.

Still they remain

Truths that disdained my beliefs
Discords that wrecked my resolve
Events that shook my strength
Losses that crumped my confidence

Comforts that solaced me
Stories that grained me
World that endured me
People that shaped me

All that I was yesterday
All that I'm today
All that I'll be tomorrow
All that I was born for

Stored in memories that I forgot
Stacked in papers that I lost
Stocked in discussions that I drowned
Stashed in disks that I erased

Over the last three years as carnations
I put them in the networks
Still they remain
Me, myself and Naren

Not another denouncement of megaserials

I try my best to match my dinner timing when mom's not watching one of those daily TV serials, but it's not always possible. I don't try to do it very earnestly though, because now and then when I peep into those megaserials I definitely learn something. I would say the popular anti-megaserial sentiments emanating from public ridicule is a little skewed. Sure, they're funny and so slow that you can follow even if you watch them only once a week, but I bet you'll "learn" more from watching 16 episodes of a good 30-min megaserial than from watching an 8-hour game of one day cricket. Sorry for such a poor joke, but megaserials surely deserve some respect for being the only form of entertainment to the millions of housewives in India who are worn out from years and years of household chores.

I would like to document one such "glimpse" of an episode that made me think. I right now don't know the answer, but I will come back to this post when I know more. There's the usual "good" heroine of the story who's faced with persistent cruel obstacles to her career and life from a villain guy. The heroine finally gets exasperated and tells "He's got all this time to cause so much havoc in my life because his business is running fine. I think I should create problems in his life, only then my life will be saved and he'll learn his lessons." I didn't watch the episodes after that, I'm sure, she would only practice moral hinderances for the "good" heroine that she is. Nevertheless, this made me think.

By creating problems in his life, is she commiting the same mistake that he did. Yes, but then does she have any other way out? Probably no. Has she done enough to maintain harmony till now? Yes for many years now. So, is she justified? I think yes. Even Bhagvad Gita asks us to fight against immoral acts done against us, even if it means being "violent". May be I shouldn't have taken Gita here because I don't know anything about it, but it at least suits the context.

I right now leave the argument open. I myself have been in this dilemma many times only to have ended up practicing non-violence. But I think I've been a coward trying to do that. I'm slowly starting to put up fights when I feel I'm being taken for a ride. But I'm doing that without full self-consent. I need to quickly find answers to help me surf through such continuing situations at least in the future.

Catch me at your own risk when I'm bored

9 pm, 13 July 2007

I want to leave for home now, but it's still raining. Even yesterday I kept waiting for the rain to yield, but finally decided to ride my bike in the rain, for the rain never did yield. I can't blame God for this because He's neither my mom to understand that I'm hungry, nor my dad to guess that I'm tired for the day wanting to go home and sleep, nor my sister to give me a call asking me to take a rick and get back home, nor my brother to pick me up in his car, nor my friend to come over to the office and give me company.

But isn't God supposed to be my mom, dad, sister, brother or friend whenever I need him to be. Ah, I know why, he's at too far a distance to see me waiting and even worse, it's dark. Ok, let me go back to peeping through the window to see if the rain has at least softened enough to make me wonder if God had a really sharp night vision!

[I had written this on a friend's cube in office while I was waiting for the rain to stop]

How well do you know me

I had to return a questionnaire with this title to a friend. I'm posting some of those here so that you could know me more too, if you want to.

What are you most afraid of? Sun
Favourite food? Chinese Manchurian
Have you travelled? To the US and Canada
Loved someone so much it made you cry? Love is the only thing that can make me cry
BMW or Mercedes Benz? I think about material things only when needed
Favourite day of the week? Saturday (evening)
Favourite sport to watch? Used to be cricket, now I don't watch any
Disney or Warner Brothers? I don't pay attention to whether it's Disney or WB or Kottampatti productions

How many times you failed your driver's test? Once, California's

Before this one, what was your last e-mail? College wing e-groups mail
What do you do most often when you are bored? I start thinking why I'm bored

Bedtime? I still keep thinking

What means the most to you? Honesty
Favourite TV shows? I watch TV only for news
Dating males or females? I don't find a difference, both are sweet and are rich in iron
Tall or short? Doesn't matter
What is your favourite colour? Used to be black, now I've started liking pleasant red
How many pets do you have? I used to have an aquarium
Age: Above or below 29? I want to quickly reach 30
What would you like to accomplish/do before you die? I want at least one other family to cry for me when I'm gone.

The money and the black

Is there anywhere else I can post this so that it has some effect? I wouldn't think so because I am not going to tell something that no one else knows; every citizen who has gone to a government office will tell you stories. A percentage of the property registration cost being asked as registration fee is valid. But another percentage being asked as bribe, is ridiculous. Why would anyone register for the full amount if he knows that some percentage of it has to go to feed the mouths of totally unrelated people. It doesn't stop here.

Let us take the property processes in Bangalore for example. After registration, you need to get the name transfer called Khatha done for which the fee is around 500 but the bribe is 2000. CMC (City Municipal Corporation) was taken over by BBMP (Bruhat Bangalore Mahanagara Palike) last year. So, you need to get this Khatha converted. The fee for this is around 1000, but the bribe is 5000. To build a house you need to get a plan approval, the fee for which can go up to 5000, but you have to pay 20000. For an electricity connection, the fee is 1000, but you will have to pay 5000. Even to get something as small as an encumbrance certificate for which the fee cannot go more than 500, you will have to pay at least 1000.

I have only gone that far, I don't know how much more I will have to shell out to fill all those corrupt vacuums that come my way in the future. All this bribe not to get some work done beyond what is legal and beyond what comes under the normal operations of the officers; these are just the fully legal routine tasks. At the end of all this, still no road and no water! Can nothing be done about all this? It's a shame that Gandhi has to adorn all the Indian currency notes.

My hibernation

Dear friends,

My girlfriend is keeping me a little busy. Not that I can't manage, but my year-long back pain is beginning to show up on my productivity; I am finding it difficult to stay online late evenings. With a non-Bangalore architect, my phone bills are already shooting up. With people at home belonging to a slightly older generation too naive to cope up with this cruel world and too bare to appreciate the modern-day house construction gymnastics, I realized that I will have to be around for every small thing.

I think this house construction task has come just at the right time while I was thinking to withdraw myself from social life temporarily. Almost all of you close friends are either married or committed and I was finding it odd to disturb you. Now I have a reason not to disturb you, I'm also committed.

Please expect my frequency of mails, chats and phone calls to come down drastically. Probably as a result, my blogging frequency might increase!

Regards,
Naren

"India is a completely safe country"

Those are the words of our Home Minister P. Chidambaram who I guess is more optimistic than I'm, and I'm pathetically optimistic about everything. I remember he said as a finance minster "Our market fundamentals are strong, whatever has happened is a small market correction and our markets will stabilize from now" when the sensex dropped from 20K to 15K. But we all know that it went from there till 9K. Anyway, economy is anyone's guess, so what he said as a Finance Minister is what anyone at that crucial post should do, to spread "positive sentiments".

But now I can't agree to what he says.

US in its travel advisory on India has said "As terror attacks are a serious and growing threat, US citizens in India are urged to always practice good security, including maintaining a heightened situational awareness and a low profile". Now PC replies "India is a safe place, it is safer than many other countries in the world. Thousands of tourists come to India and we look forward to welcoming them." The same day there is high alert in South Indian cities for possible terror attacks by three terrorists.

What has being safer than many other countries got to do with what the US thinks about India. I feel India is definitely unsafe and I advise all foreign citizens, especially from countries safer than India, to please take care of themselves; I don't think India is a safe country.

My evolution

[Read the Apr 13 post before this]

Evolution, I thought was mostly about monkey becoming man. But yes, as we all know, there's an evolution happening internally in each one of us as we grow. I've changed so much, within myself from the simplest things to the most complex things of life. One simple example, I had never hesitated to borrow something from a friend during college days, be it a little bit of shampoo or some money. But now, I prefer not to do that. I didn't have a blazer for my ISB interview, but I decided to go without it than borrow. Yes, I'm liking being less dependent. I'm sure many of you are feeling the same way too.

A few days back, some of us, old friends had a get-together and they wanted to watch a movie. It's been really long since I stopped watching movies unless there's no other better way to spend the time together. A few years back, I would've been the first person to suggest a movie. But now I said "No, I don't want to watch any movie". Well, that's another change, I've started saying no for things I don't like.

Yesterday, I saw my street getting leveled with bulldozers and road-rollers. I asked them "So finally, road"? They said "No, the MLA's father has expired, we're leveling road to the graveyard". What a reason to get the road leveled! Not long ago, I would've just had a hearty laugh at this. But yesterday, I got angry. This feeling of anger and frustration at things around me about which I am not able to do anything, is definitely a change in me.

But, the most wonderful change of all, I have learnt to move on. I didn't expect I would forget about my girlfriend within a month's time of losing her. Now and then she definitely haunts me, but I think I'll be able to manage. Yes, I've found a new girlfriend. We're planning to get engaged in a couple of weeks; marriage would be sometime early next year. I have uploaded her picture in picasa. More details about her soon.

My ugly mathematics of falling in love

(scripted ... sorry, feeling too bored)

Friend: Hi
I: Hi, I've been listening to this Tamil song Netru illadha maatram since dinner over and over. I don't know if I listen to this song when I'm in a romantic mood or get into a romantic mood when I listen to it, but I'm feeling romantic now.
Friend: I can see something fishy here. Let me also listen to it.
I: I'm happy today for no reason. At the same time I'm feeling bad that I'm missing something. I think I'm in love ;-)
Friend: Wow, who's the girl?
I: I don't think it's a girl, because I'm sure I'll know if it's a girl.
Friend: What? Is it a guy?
I: Oho! I think I'm in love with life as such.
Friend: That's even worse, now don't kid. Tell me who's it.
I: There are so many uncertainties in life. We plan something and something else happens, we re-plan. There's a change again and then another plan. Still something goes wrong somewhere. I'm just loving this challenge.
Friend: I won't believe all that. Who's the girl? But yes, love is a wonderful feeling. It might be a pain to call everyday and say "I love you", but then when you are in love, everything around you is so nice, even if your manager yells at you.
I: Have we spoken about my mathematics of love?
Friend: Now what's that?
I: I'll tell only if you agree not to beat me up next time we meet.
Friend: Haha, sure.
I: Well, there are different stages of love. When you reach stage 'n', you'll start to question yourself if you're in love. When you're in 'n+1', you'll know that you can't live without that person. When you're in the 'n-1' stage, you'll know that the person is coming closer and closer to you. But you'll have that one last chance to arrest your feelings and see clearly, beyond which you'll already be drowned in love. But the problem with this god damn love is you'll meet that one person who'll make your n-1=n=n+1 in zero time. I don't think I've met that one girl till now. Or may be I've, but either she didn't come to a stage close to n, or I stopped myself voluntarily or involuntarily.
Friend: I couldn't appreciate in the first reading, but I read it the second time and it is nice. It makes sense.
I: There was a time when I used to think arranged marriages are inferior to love marriages. But, thanks to the equal number of my friends who've had arranged marriages and love marriages, I now know that both marriages have the same kind of problems and pains, and the same kind of happiness and bliss. The only question that remains is will our parents be able to find the right match for us as much as we'll be able to. There's a variable called probability, another one called destiny and so many more. Whoever finds the girl, all these variables can do anything to our married lives. So, I've not only got hope in arranged marriages now, but also started to believe that nothing is superior or inferior.
Friend: Yeah, that's true. With that note, I'll listen to the song one last time and go to sleep.
I: Hmm, I'll also. Good night.

Sorry, my girlfriend

I have definitely heard about her before, but I think the first time I met her was in Jan 2001, during my fourth semester in BITS. I knew I had fallen for her the first time itself. You wouldn't believe, there was only one course in all the four years that I didn't miss even one class of, and it was this class that I met her in. No wonder I made an A, in spite of the usual reckless preparation I do before any test. I remember telling a friend "I think I love her." But then things changed so much after that, years just cruised over me. I even had thought I should ditch her. But I know all of you would agree that you could move on, you could probably rub if off aside as infatuation, but then it is so very difficult to forget your first love, or for that matter, any love.

Five years after Pilani, I still kept thinking of her. It was a dull drizzling evening when I was at a friend's house in Bangalore that I decided to propose to her; I agree, rainy days are the most romantic. But for the disgustingly analytical guy that I was, I made sure it was an open proposal - "I am expressing my interest in you. If you're also interested and if you think you would also benefit from this relation as much I think I would, please consider. We don't have to decide right now, there is still so much time ahead of us. I am equally fine with both a yes and a no."

Months sailed, I went to the US and I started missing her more. Not a day, I could spend without thinking about her. Finally, I decided to make it official. I did propose to her on the 14th of not February, but August, 2008. Yes, I took seven long years to know that I was in love. We met six weeks later, on 24th Sep and our rendezvous went as expected, no surprises and no shocks. I came back from the US and I just couldn't concentrate at work, forget about my tough times at home during those twilight evenings. I wrote to her parents on Dec 1st, they did get back to me and all of us met on Jan 29.

Two weeks later, I came to know that all of them were happy about our relationship. For six months, every evening, I would have a session with my parents about this and finally they too started believing that this is the best that could happen to me. In fact, I spoke with her parents only after getting the approval from my parents.

It was all set when on Apr 8th, my uncle came and said "I thought it was decided much before that you will be marrying my daughter." We were all shocked. I personally remember speaking about my love to my aunt and her daughter. In fact my uncle knows about it too. But my uncle decided not to budge. My aunt couldn't influence him, nor her daughter. I told my uncle "This is my life. Things change. I agree there has been some disconnect. But the blame rests on all of us. We have to do the best thing, for all of us now". But my uncle didn't move an inch. Finally I said "Ok, let us leave this for now. Let us think about this over the next one year. We will come back and discuss this exactly one year from now."

I have told my parents, my girlfriend's parents, my uncle's family and everyone concerned. Things are on hold till next year. Over this one year, I could change, my uncle could change, his daughter or my girlfriend ... anyone could change. Whatever the change is, I hope it is for the good, for the good of everyone.

All characters above are fictitious and any resemblance is purely coincidental. Starring, in the order of appearance:
My girlfriend - My MBA
My fourth semester class - Principles of Management
A friend to whom I confessed I am probably in love - my wingie in BITS
My decision to propose - I registered at mba.com
My official proposal on 14 Aug 2008 - I booked my GMAT
My rendezvous on 24 Sep 2008 - I took my GMAT
My letter to her parents on Dec 1 2008 - My ISB application
Meeting her parents on Jan 29 2009 - My ISB interview
My uncle and family - Cisco

All the world's a stage

I wrote my previous post to tell all of you who were pinging me and asking me about my ISB preparations. I wasn't able to hide or explain, so I thought blog is the best way to tell you all. This post is again to tell all of you who are and will be pinging me to ask if I have started packing. I have not done any packing. And unless a miracle happens today, I will not be packing.

I have tried all possible means that my conscience and faculty permitted. In the end I had to succumb to world's truth that nobody cares about your life, if there is anyone it's probably only you. It is really unfortunate that things unfolded the way they have at office. There are some things that we can control, for everything else ... well according to me God is the sum of everyone of us. There are some things that we can control, for everything else there is everyone of us.

I always knew my over-optimism will hit me some day. Today it has hit me badly. Even now with 0% confidence, I am 100% optimistic. But who cares about all those? For most practical purposes, I am not going to join ISB this year.

"I just hope I have done more positives than negatives in my life and that something positive happens in the next few days." - well, looks like I haven't done more positives than negatives. I agree to take this punishment that God, no, all of you have given me. I will try my best to come stronger out of this.

The moral dilemma

"Are you married?"
"No."
"So you don't have an earning wife. Are your parents working?"
"No, both of them are pensioners."
"Do you have a property in Bangalore?"
"Yes, I have a plot but that is under loan."

And I wanted a 15L loan. But after a whole-day of documenting work and one more follow-up, I got the loan sanctioned. Frankly, I didn't expect that it'll just be a one-day's job in a nationalized bank. But yes, I gave them at least some 50 documents, of mine, my parents', my sister's and my brother-in-law's. Had I not used some of my acquired negotiating skills over these years, I would have had to submit some 10 more documents, for which I would have had to run to Madurai.

But now the most difficult challenge - negotiating at office. The last one month at office has been more difficult than my GMAT preparation, the application process, the interview, the loan, the convincing I had to do my parents, the convincing I had to do myself and anything else related to my MBA. I am just back from my one-year US trip, so it was natural for people in office to expect me to stay for some more time. Forget about their expectations, I felt really bad to be quitting within six months of my return. But I knew my company does give long leaves for education under very rare circumstances in a case-by-case basis.

I spoke with my manager and the HR, then three directors and two VPs. Everyone replied alike - "Leave of absence is very difficult in our company even during normal times. Under the current economic roughs, thinking even one month ahead is a gallant effort and spending of every dollar is being scrutinized so heavily. So an LoA for a year is just not possible". That means I will have to run away by quitting. My conscience doesn't let me do that, but this MBA is so important for my life. If it's not now, it might probably not be ever.

Some people I've spoken with in office have been really friendly while some have been shockingly rude. Well, that happens everywhere - say with friends, some continue to impress with their hearts while some continue to disappoint with their indifference; say with relatives, some leave you in debt with their care while some make you run for the hills. It's a really complex equation that I'm still trying to understand - what is it that I have to do to "give" positive things to people and "get" positive things from them. I just hope I have done more positives than negatives in my life and that something positive happens in the next few days.

I am still speaking, still negotiating, still meeting more people to see if there is any door that can be opened for me. Whatever has to happen will have to happen in the next three weeks and I hope it happens for the good, for myself and for everyone around me. After all my MBA is for training myself for my social entrepreneurship.

Being positively proud sometimes helps

The mail and the relief

Yes, I made it to ISB. Finally the mail arrived welcoming me to the class of 2010. I don't have anything more to say here other than thank all you who helped me and all of you who wished me from your heart. I literally spent the whole evening calling different people and telling them the news. The excitement of telling so many people and sharing my happiness elated me more than the news itself. I always believe it's the people around you who make you happy and all of you made me happy!

Time for me to gear up and make the decision, I just have two weeks. I hope I make the right decision.

Love and Nirvana

The Nirvana that I'm going to speak about here is in no way connected to the eternity that is written in books. This is just a different perspective, and not a controversy and speaks only about love.

I was wondering if there's something wrong in my beliefs. But over the last few months, I have met a few people who share my beliefs. So, I mustered the courage to type this out. May be it's a misfit to our generation, but my rational sense approves these thoughts completely - the concept of Lesser Mortals (LMs) and General Mortals (GMs). I decide to call GMs as General Mortals and not Greater Mortals because I don't actually see anything less or great in these categories - different people, different perceptions, nothing is less, nothing is great ... nothing is good, nothing is bad. Anything that creates better harmony is great.

There are three attributes to the classification:
1. The relative importance you give to self, family, friends and others
2. The feeling that "shared" love is not "divided" love
3. The understanding that love/marriage is not nirvana

The relative importance
Are you someone who treats self > family > friends > others in terms of relative importance? Before answering, you should know the difference between importance and priority. On a given day, I could ignore my family for work, that does not mean my work is more important than my family. That particular moment, I had to "prioritize" work before family. I might have to prioritize self before family before friends before others many times, but that does not mean they share a descending order of importance. Will I give up my comfort for family? Yes. Will I give up my comfort for friends? Yes. For others? Yes again. But in the process, I will have to evaluate the disharmony I create, both inside and outside me. That is when I will have to prioritize. But if you think you can't take any discomfort for the sake of anyone else, even if you don't lose anything in the process, then you are not a GM.

Shared love
I believe love is such a wonderful feeling that can be shared with 100 people at 100% for each. Love when shared is not divided. A mother does share equal love with all her children. At different moments, she might have to prioritize, but then the intensity will never change - she will give her life for all her children with the same feeling in her heart. This is why mother's love is so pure - the unconditional undivided pure shared love. Any love that you think is divided when shared, I feel, is not pure, not from the love's perspective, but from your own perspective. You are impure! If you think your mother's love is divided when shared, your love for her is impure. I don't mind saying a very powerful statement here - if you think your wife's love is divided when shared, your love for her is impure. Well, that could be the most controversial statement of the century, but I strongly feel it has the truth that I see in it. If you don't believe in any of these, you are again not a GM. If you're not a GM, you can neither believe nor practice shared love.

Love is not nirvana
We've been speaking about love and nirvana but if you think love/marriage is moksha or nirvana and that there's nothing more to achieve in life, then you're again not a GM. Life is actually much more. In fact love and marriage just mark the beginning of a wonderful journey for the rest of our lives. Once a friend asked me what is the one question you would like to ask your wife. I said - "I want to be part of your success in life. Will you be part of my success in life?" Love and marriage should be something that adds 1+1 to 3, if not more. It should increase my love for my parents, it should increase my love for friends, it should increase my love for people. Love is a tool to attain nirvana and love by itself is not nirvana.

I don't know which category I belong to, but I know I at least understand what I've told here and fully approve of it. I want at least one other family to cry for me when I'm gone. I want to "meet" lesser and lesser LMs and more and more GMs in my life, because I think that way I can achieve more than what I can individually and also make the other person achieve more than what he or she can individually. I want to make this world a wonderful place for whomever I think I can and for whomever I feel needs.

ISB interview

And the day was fast approaching. I had booked tickets from Bangalore to Hyderabad for my interview on Thursday 1/29. Sunday, we got a call from Channel V saying the Cisco Band Omnifuse has been selected for auditions on Tuesday in Mumbai. An MBA is going to play a significant role in my life and ISB is more than just my dream fit. But with the drummer already dropping out, an absence of bass guitar will amplify the rhythm void. I decided to go for the auditions with the band. I booked flight tickets from Bangalore to Mumbai for Monday and then from Mumbai to Hyderabad for Wednesday. I knew it is going to be a stretch for me, especially considering the fact that I was planning to do a lot of "technical" ISB research in these two days, but I also knew the stretch was worth.

We got into the last 20 at Channel V Launchpad but did not have sufficient practice to take ourselves beyond. Tuesday evening, I went around parts of Mumbai and was impressed - at 2 am, I could see women walking alone, autos running on meters, families visiting beaches - this city just surprised me, Jai Mumbai! Next day I flew to Hyderabad. I went around the campus, attended a class, and spoke with a couple of students.

Two people, I believe one alum and one professor at the interview panel: "So, when did you come?" "Yesterday, from Mumbai". "Aren't you from Bangalore?" "Yes, I had gone to participate in a channel V competition with the Cisco Band". I now knew the stretch I volunteered to take was paying off. A few minutes about music, about the band and then questions on how will you take your band experience to work? Then a few minutes on a Cisco project, a BITS project and my US assignment. And a common question of why MBA and what after MBA. The interview ended like this - "What is the one weakness that you've?" "I think for 8 minutes and speak for 2 minutes, I know as a leader, I should be able to speak for 4 minutes with 6 minutes of thinking". "So, how long did you prepare for this 30-min interview?" All of us laughed and then I said "MBA is something that I've been thinking about for the last few years".

I felt like speaking with family at home rather than with an interview panel - so informal and so light. I will know in two weeks whether they were smiling or laughing. What will I be doing the next one year will be decided by Feb 10th.

What is your Zodiac Sign?

I remember I used to hate about all the fuss over zodiac signs once upon a time, I think that was around the same time I used to wonder about all the fuss about God and if I am not wrong that was probably the time I was buried in my text books at school. That was the time when I used to think someone is either really good or really bad, when I used to think why shouldn't the world end that day when I forgot to do the homework, when I used to think my parents should never die, and probably when I used to think I can get away with my mistakes. But everything changed in a gradual span of a few years as I grew from a child to a boy to a man. I am eagerly waiting to analyze my transition from a man to a husband to a father.

One such feeling that I have always strongly held against is "love at first-sight". I used to wonder how can that ever happen. Of course, it can't happen when you don't know anything about yourself, forget about knowing others. But as you sail through the ocean of life, and keep "meeting" a dozen people almost everyday, you slowly start to understand what you're and what others are. You can never master, but then you definitely learn so much.

Well, I met a girl a few days back and we just had one hour of conversation when I realized that I've never "met" anyone like her before. She was almost exactly like how I imagined (if at all I did) my wife should be. We knew each other for around a year, but that was the first time we spent even five minutes together. I just saw my reflection in her and she saw hers in mine. We've spent more hours together now, and we've still not discovered anything tangential in our characters. Starting from daily activities, our perceptions on life, our ideas about relations and you name it, we think alike. I knew she was married, even before we met, else I'm not sure if I would've stopped myself from falling in love at first-sight (or may be at first-chat) with her.

So, I started doing some research about zodiac signs and compatibilities to see if that answers this feeling of "immediate" liking and I find "There will be love at first-sight between Taurus and Virgo". I was just blown away in surprise. There was no more surprise left in me when I noted that most of my closest friends belong to one of the five sun signs below that are compatible with Virgo. I realized we are all lesser mortals and that there is probably someone who knows everything about everyone, may be that could be God. I thought I'll store my research and some pointers in this blog so that I can come back and visit this as I meet more people.

Just hoarding for future research:
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/zodiac-sign-compatibility-traditionally-compatible-sun-signs.html
http://www.india-server.com/astrology/
http://www.gotohoroscope.com/compatibility.html
http://theastrologyroom.com/guides/zodiac-symbols-and-their-meanings

12 SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC:

• Aries, Mar 21 - Apr 20
• Taurus, Apr 21 - May 21
• Gemini, May 22 - Jun 21
• Cancer, Jun 22 - Jul 22
• Leo, Jul 23 - Aug 23
• Virgo, Aug 24 - Sep 22
• Libra, Sep 23 - Oct 22
• Scorpio, Oct 23 - Nov 21
• Sagittarius, Nov 22 - Dec 21
• Capricorn, Dec 22 - Jan 20
• Aquarius, Jan 21 - Feb 19
• Pisces, Feb 20 - Mar 20

CLASSIFICATION:

• Fire: Aries, Leo and Sagittarius : passionate, energetic, creative and aggressive
• Air: Gemini, Libra and Aquarius : thinkers, idea originators and truth seekers
• Water: Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces : emotional, creative and intuitive
• Earth: Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn : sensual, hard working, sincere and practical

COMPATIBILITIES:
Fire-Air and Water-Earth are compatible to each other.

• Aries: Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Gemini, Libra
• Taurus: Virgo, Capricorn, Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio
• Gemini: Libra, Aquarius, Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
• Cancer: Scorpio, Pisces, Virgo, Taurus, Capricorn
• Leo: Sagittarius, Aries, Libra, Gemini, Aquarius
• Virgo: Taurus, Capricorn, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces
• Libra: Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius, Aries
• Scorpio: Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Virgo, Taurus
• Sagittarius: Leo, Aries, Libra, Aquarius, Gemini
• Capricorn: Virgo, Taurus, Scorpio, Pisces, Cancer
• Aquarius: Gemini, Libra, Aries, Sagittarius, Leo
• Pisces: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo

No wonder - Virgo is first on Taurus' list and Taurus is first on Virgo's list. :-)

Anyway, as always these are only guidelines and all sources say that the happiest couple need not be in the above "compatible" list and the unhappiest couple could well be in the above "compatible" list.

I have found myself

There was a slack period over the last few months. I didn't lose track, but I had a good contemplative resting period. Over this period, I've realized
1. You're the master of your own destiny.
2. You can take help, but you've to find yourself only within you.
3. Be a little selfish, say no when you don't like, and yes when you like.

I think I've found out my short-term and long-term goals - "Creating the vision for a business unit, defining strategies for a successful organization, delivering stretch targets while satisfying stakeholders - I aspire to be an admired leader in the tech-industry. I want to take that experience to realize my long-term dream of being a social entrepreneur when I can use technology to impact the society."

Phew, one month I literally whiled away time in office. I'll not allow that to happen again, especially when I now know there's not much use in spending that time thinking about friends without being reciprocated. Actually, I didn't have that many either, I'm only as capable as I am, I can't help it. But now time's come, not to bother about such small things and start thinking about bigger things in life.

An MBA in the next two years, marriage in the next three years, a house and a car around that time, director or above in the next ten years, a social entrepreneur at 40 - well, this is my dream stint. Some of these might not happen or something else might happen, but then I'll seriously try to avoid anything that discourages this and pursue anything that encourages this.

I want to thank everyone who's come in my life so far - some of whom have inspired me, some of whom have been with me, some others who have advised me, and some others who have shocked me. I am now moving to the next phase in life - the phase where if you don't work out, you get a tummy, if you don't take care of your hair, your head starts shining, if you don't realize what to do in life, you lose the race. The romantic phase is over and I'm now into the executing phase.

Let me wish myself all the best.

I'm still searching

It's been a month since I landed back in India. I call it my one-year honeymoon in the US when I speak about the trip to my friends. If not anything, I was learning something everyday. Wow, what a land it is! How much do I love US? To an extent that I just want to stay there. But will I relocate? No, I want to be in my country and do whatever I can to transform it. Will I achieve what I want to? Well, even a fool would answer no, and I'm not going to say a yes, but then I'll be happier being here and "trying" to do what I want to than being there and enjoying all of it. But who knows, I might lose the zeal as time sails and in 2020, I might have taken an apartment in the bay area.

What has changed in the one year? Well, Bangalore roads haven't. Bomb blasts and terrorist attacks have become more than fortnightly events. My parents have started talking about my marriage. My friends are getting married one-by-one. I visited Madurai to just see how much of it has changed, mm not much. In all, there are many changes and there aren't many. Well, most of these I expected. But there is one thing I definitely didn't expect - the lack of cheer in my great old friends.

Coming after a year I felt like hugging and kissing everyone right at the Brigade-MG Road junction, but then I don't see that old cheer in many of them. I don't know who has grown old faster, but there's a definite disconnect. I agree, people change, people get new friends, their priorities change, we could've spoken for one hour then, but now even five minutes would be difficult. That much I expected. But then I also expected five minutes of "wow, so long, things've changed so much" kind of conversations. But what I see are dull "mm", "oh" conversations. I HATE THIS.

I am not complaining, but I know it's time for me to transform too. I've started my transformation. If my old friends who still have not transformed, speak to me after a year, probably they'll be as shocked as I'm today. May be I've already shocked many. Or may be I've not matured enough. I don't know, but I know I need to move on. I don't want to be a loser. All I wanted to say through this post is "Sorry" to some of my friends and "Catch you soon" to a few others. If you're my friend and reading this, you know which of those I'm telling you.

Arasa maratha thedi

Arasa maratha thedi

Oru paatu onnu paadi

Thai naata naadi
Naan varren aadi

An attempted translation:

In search of the peepul shade

Humming a song that was homemade

Towards my motherland that doesn't fade

I'm on my way to invade

I hate rules as much as I hate to break them

This title, from a mail I sent to a dear friend yesterday, I think is going to essentially decide what I am going to be doing in my life. The last one year in the US, I have had numerous discussions with the small gang that I came along with from Bangalore - starting from petty things like speed limit to going far beyond talking about moral values, money, lives, wives, parents, friends, love, hatred, socialism, communism, democracy, dictatorship and what not. However, breaking rules had been the most frequent topic.

Different people have had different opinions, we have never come to a conclusion, for the discussions were not for concluding anything. But I just have one opinion - "follow the rule as long as it is required to maintain harmony, the moment you realize breaking it is going to create better harmony, go ahead and break it if it does not do a perceived harm to anyone." After all, good to someone can be bad to someone else as much as bad to someone can be good to someone else.

One thing is for sure - how much I am going to follow or break rules is going to decide so many things in my life. How much of a maverick am I going to be and how much of a conformist am I going to be ... how much am I going to stand out from the crowd and how much am I going to stand with it ... how much am I going to be unconventional and how much am I going to be conventional ... whom do I marry, where do I see my career a few years later, what am I going to be doing at 40, well, so many such questions will be answered as I keep deciding all through my life - how much do I follow and how much do I break! As I decide and keep moving, if I realize a little later that I made a wrong decision, I am not going to be repent because I know I would have used the best of my resources to make the decision at that point in time. I just hope all those who are concerned or affected by my decision also feel the same way.

Heart and hope - well, those two have had little meaning to me so far, but then I'm feeling their increasing importance as I sail through the ocean called life and as I keep realizing more and more that there is no right or no wrong thing. God, please help me reach my destination.

Animal rights mystified

I'm in a criticizing spree - first I criticized myself, then I criticized vegetarianism, and I'm still not done; not to mention my earlier posts, there was one that supported reservations and there was even one that supported terrorism. Now I feel like picking apart the animal rights activists. As always, this is only a crooked thought and I am not against animal rights; I'm not an animal-hater and I respect all the animal rights organizations for the wonderful job that they're doing. So, you read and forget this.

Can a non-vegetarian love animals?
I do love animals as much as I do humans, but then I am not a vegetarian. Does that mean I can't love animals? No. Morality to a saint is being away from all the material wealth and earthly pleasures, does that mean normal people are immoral? No. People ask me - how is an animal different from a human? If you eat an animal, will you eat a human? Well, I can also ask a counter-question - why do you do certain things with your wife that you don't do with your mother? It's your discretion, you like to do certain things, you do it. If I like them, I would do, otherwise I would do something else as long as I'm not violating the laws of "g"od. You decide not to do something, but that doesn't mean people who do it are wrong. They could perhaps be wrong as much as you're perhaps wrong yourselves. I've seen animal rights activists protest against horse-riding, etc. Are they going to stop taking vaccines that were tested on rats and monkeys? When they buy a vegetable, do they make sure that the vegetable is from a field that was ploughed only by a tractor and not by a bullock? And what should the millions of poor farmers around the world who can't afford to buy a machine do? Closing your eyes doesn't mean it's dark.

I prefer to shut up if I can only declaim
"Street dog mauls a 10-year old again" is more than just frequent news in the Bangalore papers. I am not saying we should cruelly kill the street dogs, but why not kill them mercifully. Some animal rights organizations are fine with humanitarian killing, but some don't want them to be killed at all; because they know their children do not play in the slum streets that are infested with these infected dogs. If I don't know a better way, I prefer to shut up rather than declaim. I am not saying people should shut up, but till we find a solution, we need to do some damage-control. Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest does not only say that we exist because we are fit, but also says that we'll not exist if we are not fit.

I am a hypocrite myself
People in the US, I admire them for certain things - they're not too much bothered about what others think, they do what their heart tells them as long as they know doing that doesn't harm anyone. For example, I heard that a 40 year old once quit my company and went to study law. I can't imagine anyone in India even thinking about doing something like that. But one of the things that I don't like about them - they create so much fuss about their pets, but I'm sure they had beef for their lunch. I'm not saying don't love your pets, but isn't this hypocrisy? Well, I'm a hypocrite myself.

Sense to me could be nonsense to you
Somehow, everyday that passes is making my feeling that "nothing is less important and nothing is more important" stronger and stronger. I'm not sure where this "everything is noble" attitude is going to take me to, but at least I'm slowly starting to discover a state of happiness, from a satisfaction gained from a realization that I didn't have, all these years. Terrorism to one person is freedom struggle to another, killing to one is eating to someone else, reward to one person is punishment to another, important to one is trivial to another, good to one is bad to another ... sense to me is nonsense to you!

Whom should I care?

I read this somewhere - "Don't let someone be your priority when you're just an option for that someone".

This affected me so much that I spent days pondering over it. But it was actually better than ruminating about people who don't spend any significant amount of time thinking about me. There've been so many sleepless nights wondering about some of my friends whom I consider close enough; about something that worries them, annoys them, exults them or whatever be it. But then I failed to realize for so long that I can only go half-way, and that I can't meet them unless they come half-way the other direction. I usually like to put friends into three buckets:
A. Friends who're really close and whose reaction to a random situation I'll be able to guess.
B. Friends who're not too close, nevertheless we like each other and our wavelengths match.
C. Friends who're just acquaintances and I'm usually not too bothered about what they do.

"A" are normally not a problem, "C" could be a problem, but I don't care. But those in the bucket "B" are people whom I like, for whom I care and about whom I'm bothered. The problem is those in my "B" might not be having me in their "B", I could be even in their "C" (whether I could be in their "A" is a difficult question to answer, it's totally subjective). I can knock at their doors and wait for sometime, but then, I should start walking back at some moment. As I walk, I can even turn back every now and then to look if the door's opening, but beyond that I have other things too, there are other people who're bothered about me and I need to respond to them. After some thought, I think I have classified friends into how I need:
1. Friends for whom I'm a priority.
2. Friends for whom I'm definitely an option, but not a priority.
3. Friends for whom I'm just an option or not even an option.

The A-B-C classification was based on what they're for me, but I guess I need to quickly learn about the 1-2-3 classification, which is based on what I'm for them. I think I know whom to place where, but I want to find out soon enough how exactly to befriend them, how much do I care for them, how much do I bother about them and how much do I actually think about them. I only hope that I don't misclassify people and that I don't lose some of them because of the misclassification.

I'm already starting to feel I've got a lot of time these days because I've almost stopped thinking about some of whom were a priority to me but for whom I was probably just an option. I can instead use this time to think about so many of those who don't have anyone to care about. I think I'm proceeding in the right direction, to what I should be doing when I'm 40, to what will give me the feeling of bliss, probably for which I came to exist in this world. I want to, as early as I can, stop doing things that I'll not be doing at 40 and start doing things that I desire to be doing at 40. What exactly is it? I'm still trying to find out.

Vegetarianism mystified

This is just a funny post, that blossomed through some lateral thinking. I have no intentions to hurt anyone. So, read it and forget it.

Search for "Fruits continue to live and respire after picked" in google, there are so many articles that say how fruits and vegetables continue to breathe long after they're picked. Besides uprooting and killing plants of potatoes, onions, carrots, beetroots, radishes, etc., vegetarians not only inflict pain on other plants by plucking their fruits and leaves, but also gain satisfaction from eating them live! At least non-vegetarians kill the animals before eating! If vegetarianism is about not killing, I'm not convinced that it does what it wants; if vegetarianism is about not inflicting pain, I'm still not convinced because plants do respond to stimuli; if vegetarianism is about not causing blood shed, well I remember reading about xylem and phloem in plants.

God has given us canine teeth (no herbivore has canine teeth) and the inability to digest cellulose (no carnivore has this ability). He also gave us the sixth sense I agree, but who knows, probably a lion has a seventh sense. Jainism mandates pure vegetarianism to an extent of avoiding anything that involves uprooting. But I'm not sure if Jains don't do woodwork for their fancy houses. Sikhs don't serve meat during religious occasions, but the rest of the time they do balle-balle. There're conflicting evidences for Buddha preaching vegetarianism, but then no Buddhist country follows vegetarianism. When it comes to Hinduism, there are evidences of the Veda allowing ritual sacrifices of animals though it opposes meat-eating because of the negative Karma that surrounds it (Disclaimer: I don't understand sanskrit, so I don't know what the Veda actually tells, I can only believe what I read and what I was taught). Interestingly, the concept of vegetarianism started and has been religiously preached only in India, I'm not sure if there is any other country that practices vegetarianism in religion.

Well, my intention is not to justify or unjustify anyone or anything, but then I'm slowly starting to believe that nothing is good and nothing is bad and that nothing is more important and nothing is less important. I don't think God created man presuming he should be the most sovereign race on earth, but then somewhere down the line, something has gone wrong. I was not born a billion years ago to understand all of this! I could be right or I could be wrong, but I'm not going to regret when I disprove myself later. I only know so much now, I can only do so much; when I know more, I'll do more. For now, let me continue to float in thin air.

Vaishnava Janato

Vaishnava Janato

I've heard this song multiple times but never knew the meaning, a wonderful Gujarati song. I found the transliteration in Wikipedia, thanks to Shubha for pointing it out. If only everyone does what is said in the song, what a wonderful place will this world be! Though the song mentions about Lord Rama, it has nothing to do with Him, you can as well substitute Him with any other God or with no one at all. [Well, the God here needs capitialization because the song refers to the God himself and so let's not bring in discussions of the previous post here :)]

1. vaishnav jan to tene kahiye, je peeD paraaee jaNe re
[He is the true Vaishnava who knows and feels another's woes as his own]
par dukkhe upkar kare toye, man abhiman na aaNe re
[Ever ready to serve others who are unhappy, he never lets vanity get to his head]

2. sakaL lok maan sahune vande, nindaa ne kare keni re
[Bowing to everyone humbly and criticising none]
vaach-kaacch-man nischaL raakhe, dhan-dhan janani teni re
[He keeps his speech, deeds and thoughts pure; blessed is the mother who begets such a one]

3. sam-drushti ne trishNaa tyaagi, parastree jene maat re
[He looks upon all with an equal eye. Having rid himself of lust, he treats and reveres every woman as his mother]
jihvaa thake, asatya na bole, par-dhan nava jhaale haath re
[His tongue would fail him if he attempted to utter an untruth. He does not covet another's wealth]

4. moh-maayaa vyaape nahin jene, draDh vairagya jena manmaa re
[The bonds of earthly attachment hold him not. His mind is deeply rooted in renunciation]
raam-naam shu taaLire laagi, sakaL teerath tena tanmaa re
[Every moment he is intent on reciting the name of the Lord Rama. All the holy places are ever present in his body]

5. vaNa lobhi ne kapat rahit chhe, kaam krodh nivaarya re
[He has conquered greed, deceit, passion (lust) and anger]
bhaNe Narsaiyyon teno darshan kartaun, kuL ekoter tarya re
[The sight of such a Vaishnava, says Narsinh, saves a family through seventy-one generations]

Does god believe in me?

The title is not a semantic typo, this post is not about whether or not you believe in god. Theists, don't get offended because I am not capitalizing our subject as "God"; this is not vandalism, I respect god as much as I respect anything else in this universe, because after all the universe is the god. You'll find your answer at the end. Atheists don't have to stop reading because I am not going to correlate god with gravity, saying whether you believe it or not, he exists. There's nothing in this post that hurts anyone, this is just an open-ended thought. But sometimes I think I've hurt people during discussions and arguments because I stand rigid at what my rational sense tells me, even if it were against me. So, if you think you might not like reading this, don't.

Newton wondered about falling apples, there could possibly be a few more people who had wondered too. Some of them could have even realized that there is some force that is operating between the apple and the earth, the others, may be didn't have that realization, nevertheless, most of those who had wondered should have understood that the reason why the apple fell down was because of the same reason why they fell down when they misstepped. Newton gave his realization a name and then tried to prove it mathematically, we all know that he was successful in doing that. Now all of us understand so much about gravity that there are even funny quotes that read "You can't blame gravity for falling in love" or "Gravity is a myth, the world sucks". There's nothing about believing in gravity or not believing in it, whatever you do, it exists. If you believe in it, you can save yourself from a few bruises when you walk down a slippery floor; if you want to protest against it, no one stops you, you can be the world's best pole vaulter.

Everything is equally important
Reading this blog can be less important to you and could be more important to someone else, or for that matter be it working or playing or sleeping or eating or making money or not making it or loving or not loving or whatever anyone does during any instant. We do something because we realize the importance of it or we don't realize the importance of something else. We can in fact be doing something even while we accept the importance of something else. For example, I am a software engineer and not a roadside cleaner, not because I don't realize the importance of cleaning, but because I know I don't have to do it and that there's someone else for it. Even if I know there's no one, I would probably not be doing it as my job because I'm not god; I'm not god to whom nothing is more important or nothing is less important, but then I know that I'm not doing any better job. There's something that resides in me and makes me the man I'm, which is so close to being something like a mini-god. Well, I'm not god, but I've god in me; if the universe is god, I'm a proud part of it. The god inside me makes me realize the importance of one thing while not of the other, but the sum of all such gods is a realization in which everything is equally important.

The chain reaction
I wrote this blog because there were hundred reasons that made me write it, and there are hundred more reasons why you're reading this blog too. I can feel the gentle evening's breeze walking over my window, the breeze exists because there was some variation in the air pressure somewhere, it's pleasant because of the time of the day, it feels good to stand by it because it's a beautiful season and that's because the northern hemisphere is just around the Spring Equinox. The chain reaction just goes on. Probably Osama is right now thinking about the next place to bomb, and he has a hundred reasons to do it. Whether he decides to bomb or not can even be related to where the earth is right now in its orbit. I can as well tell you a real fictitious information that just as he bombed New York on Sep 9 2001, Osama will bomb Washington on the American independence day of July 4 2010 because the Jupiter will be at some specific relative position to the earth or that the earth will be at some specific angle from mercury or both or whatever, it can get as mystic as possible. If I don't understand whatever I said, I'm ignorant. If you don't understand whatever you read, you could be ignorant too, or may be you're not because you know some other reason for what I just said. Well, I just wanted to say that I am doing something not because someone's controlling me, but because I chose to do it. There're a hundred reasons that I know of, that made me choose it and a thousand others that I don't know of.

My religion
Assume a world where everyone knows he's a god and everyone knows that everyone else is god too. Nothing is more important or nothing is less important to anyone. That doesn't mean everyone has to do everything. Anyone can choose to do anything, but then in that world, everyone knows that no one is better than anyone. There is nothing good or bad about anything. If the god inside me tells me to speak the truth I will. If the god inside Osama asks him to bomb, he will. But then probably he might not, if he realized that nothing is more important than the other. Lets extrapolate it to the whole of the universe - every human, every animal, every plant, every planet, every moon, every star, every galaxy, or in short every god understands the fact that every other thing is god too. In that universe, a lion killing a deer is not gory, a cannibal eating a human is not barbaric, a tsunami destructing a country is not cruel or the earth getting destroyed is not the end of life. If you think something is bad, that doesn't mean it actually is bad. In that world of gods, there can be only one thing that can happen - and that is good!

Who is god?
You probably ran for ten miles because you believed you can do it, you climbed the tallest peak in the world because you believed you can do it, you are thinking about what you're actually thinking right now because you are believing that you can think about it, now where is god when it's actually belief that is driving the universe, well that belief for you is the god. It could be something else for someone else or some completely different thing for something else that can't believe at all. But then whether you believe in god or not, god believes in you, that's why you exist. Whether you think about god or not, god thinks about you. And who's that god - that's you, that's me, that's everything else.

What does it take to be a god?
I'll probably stop doing anything that takes me away from what god believes in me. And what is that? I might probably not harm anyone if I know I'm doing harm, I might probably not say a lie when I think it's a lie, but does that mean I will not harm anyone or that I will not say a lie! That's not how the universe operates. I will probably not jump from the terrace; I know I will then be destroying god. May be I might not destroy the god in me, but I will surely lose the god in me. But then someone else could do this or I could be doing this to someone else. If I do only good, then I'm god, but I'm not god! Or may be I'm. Good to some god could be bad to some other god. But when I add them all up, ah, I can't do it, because I'm just part of god and I'm not the whole of god.

Does god believe in me?
Well, the reverse form of the question could be one of the most common questions other than "What's your name?". But then there's actually nothing about having to be believing in god. What I call as god could be energy to someone else, could be eternity to some other person, something else to one more person or probably nothing at all to many others. People, countries, continents, religions, philosophies, seasons, eras - could give different perceptions to different things, but the truth can neither be hidden nor be exposed, it just exists. And what is that truth? Well, I know what I should be doing and you know what you should be doing too. I've stopped searching for the God long time ago, because I know that I'm god and I know that you're god too. You and I don't need any capitalization; I believe in you, do you believe in me? I believe in god, the question is does god believe in me?

Quote of the day: The truth is more powerful than any weapon - Gandhi.
Video of the day: Love is God