Hope marriage doesn't make me stupid!

I have a long list of things to preach myself on marriage and its associated nuances. Before my parents tell me some day, "Next week is your marriage, you better get married now" (sob sob!), I need to start my self-preachings. Let me follow my usual strategy of preaching what I think I will find difficult to practice, so I can blackmail myself when I don't follow later. First on the list is what I like to call as "emotional bias".

A friend once told me:
"Though we haven't met each other, I know I'll not be in his good books. His girlfriend doesn't like me. You will mostly not be in the good books of someone, if you're not in good terms with his girl. Same the other way too".

A few days back, I was hearing from some other friend of mine:
"I think it was just a few months after marriage. I remember when I called her cousin and shouted at him badly for making my wife cry for something. How stupid of me! Later I got to know that it was actually my wife's mistake. Even otherwise, it was stupid. I felt really embarrassed. But her family is so cool. Her cousin just laughed it off later."

I'm able to guess that such feelings shouldn't be very uncommon. I remember, as a child, I used to blindly presume that whoever makes my mom sad is bad, and whoever doesn't is good. Forget about those who make my mom cry, they will immediately become my villains. They call it the "confirmation bias", a bias that favours one's own preconceptions. I thought people will grow beyond such biases over time. But if you ask my strategy professor, he'll say it only worsens as people grow old. Why ask my strategy prof? Ask me, I know I've only grown worse with all those biases. Forget the confirmation bias, shouldn't we at least grow beyond such "emotional bias"?

So what if my wife cries because she fought with her cousin? Of course, I will give her the moral support and if I can I will try to pacify both of them and help them make peace with each other. But I don't want to make the foolish mistake of falling into the trap of this emotional bias. I'm sure I'll make her cry more number of times than she ever cried all her childhood. Probably her cousin should call me everyday and scold me.

Hope marriage doesn't make me stupid!

Some thoughts that have long been in my queue

I have been wanting to write about some of these thoughts below. But I've been postponing them ever since I landed here in ISB. At least let me jot them down now, so I can expand on them some day (?).











1. It is so easy for people below to criticize those at the top. I've seen this happen in school, I've heard this in office and I keep witnessing this everywhere. "If I study as much as he does, I'll also score equally, what's the big deal?", "Come on, he doesn't deserve to be promoted, what has he done?", "I wonder how he became the manager. I can do a better job than what he does". Saying these for fun or out of frustration is fine, but when people mean it seriously, I get reminded of myself a few years back. I used to feel the same way too. But I would tell myself - "Who stops you? Go, become. They're there because they've done something to win the choice of those who're supposed to make that choice. Yes, sometimes there are undeserving rewards, but that's life. I'm sure you've not got everything in your life only because you deserved every bit of it. Are you sure if you reach that position there will not be anyone talking the same way about you?"

2. This is a little silly, but it taught me something. I have seen some people reply to every mail, every missed call and every message, and I've also seen people who don't reply unless you call them and prod them, both in the professional and personal life. Looking at people who don't reply, I thought it was a cool thing to do until I got a manager who sincerely replied to every mail he received, even if it meant just sending a ":-)". Some day during a conversation, someone said "I'm not sure if he read my e-mail", for which people around starting replying "Oh, don't worry, he is such a sweet person. He would've replied had he seen it", "Oh yes, he would at least send an ok, if he has seen your e-mail". And he was one of the most respected senior managers in my office. Yes, respect is not about one thing, it's about every small thing.

3. Over the last few years I've spent sufficient amount of time thinking about relationships. I've talked so much with people, and I've been through a few hiccups myself. But almost every person I've talked with, who has lost a good friendship or love has without exception told "Your heads will hit only when you come close, not when you stay far. If they don't hit, you might have to perhaps evaluate if you really got that close. How I wish we could get back to our old days!" But if everyone feels the same way, why are most broken relationships not repaired?

Let us take a married couple - they fight with each other more than they've ever fought with all others all their lives. Still they go on. Maybe is it then out of compulsion? Partly yes, but mostly I would say no. It is the deep emotional bond that brings them back on track every time. Why is this not always the case when it comes to people beyond our homes? No offense meant to all those who go all out reviving a lost relation or who have genuine reasons not to do so. But I don't think that's the case in general. I know a friend who had sent at least some 50 mails to her old friend, not to get even one reply. No one can be right all the time - not me, not you, not anyone. So, why not just forgive or forget, who knows, the mistake was probably yours.

4. I feel human growth process is cyclic. If you're perfect in something, the only way to improve is to go beyond your perfection limits and try something new. In the process, you might fall a little below your original perfection levels, but I'm sure you'll only become more perfect when you come out of that learning loop. If such is the case for an original perfection, I don't think we should shrug when we fall from an original imperfection. It mostly means we're on the path towards perfection. I can give my own example. I was that passive boy in school who no one would've seen get angry. Even today, not many would agree that I can get angry. But I know I'm not how I used to be in school. I started feeling frustrated and getting angry looking at many imperfections in this world as I grew. But only when I grew enough that I realized I'm not perfect myself. That's when I learnt the art of controlling my anger. Of course, I've not mastered it, but I surely know something more than what I knew earlier.

A long pending list of things to write is off my queue now. As always, these are my personal views and I'm still thinking about these. I might probably write a post a few years later totally contradicting what I've written here ... after all my growth is cyclic too.