As a boy, even more than I am
now, I was remarkably silent. I liked to listen more than I liked to talk. Not that it was an unusual character to find, but you
can find traces of that disposition in me even now. Advices from my father used
to be my favourite classes then, and I can still listen to his advice all
night. Moral stories from my mother used to be my favourite movies then, and I
can still be caught in rapt attention when she tells stories to kids around.
As I saw the boy in me transition
into a young man, I had to realign myself over and over, for my perennial thinking
and life’s learnings provided enough contradictions. For everything that I saw and
everything that I heard, there were three people inside me – one arguing for,
another arguing against, and the third trying to arbitrate the two.
I was
constantly trying hard to find the middle ground, and evidently I was trying to
push people towards that middle ground too.
When someone argued for God, I
argued against and when someone argued against, I argued for. When someone
opposed reservations, I supported and when someone supported, I opposed. I did
not spare even love and marriage. I would have given my parents the worst
nightmare of their lives when I took them on during arguments on why marriage
was such a selfish invention by mankind. Vegetarianism, animal rights activism,
terrorism – I had my own views on everything.
It was some time in 2006, eight
years back, that I first took on to blogging to capture all those
contradictions inside me. Not that I had a fan following, but my silent disposition did not allow me to vent out my
contradictions elsewhere. The accumulated contradictions had me vigorously
blogging until I found that it was not just me that suffered from these
contradictions, but that everybody in this world underwent the same too, just
that they had different ways of dealing with them. With that realization, I
found my blog redundant and I lost the motivation to continue it further.
Everything had to be
contradicted, and so was this realization too. As I continued navigating
on the boat of life, the belief that the entire human civilization suffered
from contradictions got reinforced. But this time I felt if I had the patience to pen them down, I should, if not to capture my thoughts, at least to capture the thoughts
of fellow humans. So I decided to start writing again.
But then with a gap comes
rusting, a hesitation, an uncertainty of how to continue, a doubt about where
to restart. It was then that I decided to go through my blog again – one by
one, post by post. As I am going through my posts, memories are sailing past years. What
was written in the posts was just filtered best of what I thought were my
contradictions. As I am reading through them all over again, the thoughts are ruffling
through my memories so much more than what was written.
I will come back to writing again when I am fully convinced that I should be writing. It is going to take some time, I am no celebrity and I do not have buffs waiting for me to restart my writing. But if I do return, the return will be dedicated to all those for whom they are their own celebrities.
