Disclaimer: The terms "attachment" and "detachment" that I've used here may or may not convey the same meaning as they do in spiritual books.
It was some time around my mid-college times that I realized I was missing something in life. How is it that people live through a moment so much? I moved my clock to the past. My name was in the local newspapers for securing some material rank in the school board exams, but I was not elated by it. I think I was not "attached" to the result of the exams; my parents enjoyed the moment more than I did. Then the dilemma between medicine and engineering, I just didn't have any preference, for I was not "attached" to either biology or maths. Off I joined college, students missed their home during their initial days of hostel life. But I don't think I ran through those emotions as well, for I think I was not "attached" to my home.
And then expressions. I believed that what exists in the heart is worth million times more than what is expressed. "All the best", "Congratulations", "Have a nice day", "Happy new year", "Happy vacation" - all these were mere formalities to me, for I was fairly convinced that they're words wasted and will not control any outcome in this world. Some of my friends still make fun of me for giving a nil-reaction when they told me I had got through a job interview during the campus season.
That was when I forcefully decided to slowly "attach" myself to this world. I thought I would be able to understand people better this way. But I didn't know that once I get in, the chain would take care of my entanglement and I will forever be lost in the illusion of "attachment". It started with people first. By the time I passed out, I got myself attached to my closest set of friends that I remember crying many nights for having to be separated from them. After college, I attached myself to my job. Success in getting something to work motivated me to achieve further. But minor disappointments arising from small expectations affected me. I even started to show my outside frustrations at home. Sometimes there were conflicts of the attachment priorities too, say, when my people were unhappy about something, I was not able to concentrate at work.
I started to realize that today it could be my closest people or the dearest things, but tomorrow it could be any Tom, Dick and Harry that could throw me off my equilibrium. The chain of questions started. Since when did I start getting disappointed? Well, since when did I start having expectations? I started tracing back since then and it was not until recently that I root-caused this to the experimentation I had started a few years ago. Phew, I became a prey of my own experiment. It became such a progressive process inside me that even I didn't know when it started and how it coursed itself through.
After my ISB battle, I was upset for a few days, but I think in a detached life I wouldn't have got affected. I am able to confidently say this because I am going through something similar right now. I am loving my house construction just as I love my MBA aspiration, but then there's a difference, I am less attached to the house. The construction is waiting on the bank loan. Thanks to a human error made during the conversion of housing authorities, my loan has come to a hiatus at the last moment. I've been trying for the last two months, but thanks again to all the politeness and sincerity I got to witness in government offices, the struggle might take longer. But I'm definitely able to handle this better; my parents are more disturbed than I'm.
So, has all this experimentation deteriorated my journey towards things beyond life. May be true, but I personally don't think so. I have surely learnt so much during these "attachment" years. The most prominent of those is my belief in what I don't understand as God. It might take more than a life's time for me to understand, but then I know what has changed in me. I've also experienced the greatest of my delights and celebrated the happiest of my moments. But I've also suffered the worst of my disappointments.
What concerns me now is, was I "useful" to anyone during those phases of disappointments. I think to be "useful" to anyone including myself, without attachmental prejudices, I need to be in equilibrium first. If attachment is going to throw me off it, I don't think I need it. Frankly I don't know which way to go, but if my love to people will not reduce, if my hunger to achieve something in life will not mince, if my dedication to my actions will not subdue, or in short if my commitment to life will not suffer - I think I should make every effort not to stay "attached".
It was some time around my mid-college times that I realized I was missing something in life. How is it that people live through a moment so much? I moved my clock to the past. My name was in the local newspapers for securing some material rank in the school board exams, but I was not elated by it. I think I was not "attached" to the result of the exams; my parents enjoyed the moment more than I did. Then the dilemma between medicine and engineering, I just didn't have any preference, for I was not "attached" to either biology or maths. Off I joined college, students missed their home during their initial days of hostel life. But I don't think I ran through those emotions as well, for I think I was not "attached" to my home.And then expressions. I believed that what exists in the heart is worth million times more than what is expressed. "All the best", "Congratulations", "Have a nice day", "Happy new year", "Happy vacation" - all these were mere formalities to me, for I was fairly convinced that they're words wasted and will not control any outcome in this world. Some of my friends still make fun of me for giving a nil-reaction when they told me I had got through a job interview during the campus season.
That was when I forcefully decided to slowly "attach" myself to this world. I thought I would be able to understand people better this way. But I didn't know that once I get in, the chain would take care of my entanglement and I will forever be lost in the illusion of "attachment". It started with people first. By the time I passed out, I got myself attached to my closest set of friends that I remember crying many nights for having to be separated from them. After college, I attached myself to my job. Success in getting something to work motivated me to achieve further. But minor disappointments arising from small expectations affected me. I even started to show my outside frustrations at home. Sometimes there were conflicts of the attachment priorities too, say, when my people were unhappy about something, I was not able to concentrate at work.
I started to realize that today it could be my closest people or the dearest things, but tomorrow it could be any Tom, Dick and Harry that could throw me off my equilibrium. The chain of questions started. Since when did I start getting disappointed? Well, since when did I start having expectations? I started tracing back since then and it was not until recently that I root-caused this to the experimentation I had started a few years ago. Phew, I became a prey of my own experiment. It became such a progressive process inside me that even I didn't know when it started and how it coursed itself through.
After my ISB battle, I was upset for a few days, but I think in a detached life I wouldn't have got affected. I am able to confidently say this because I am going through something similar right now. I am loving my house construction just as I love my MBA aspiration, but then there's a difference, I am less attached to the house. The construction is waiting on the bank loan. Thanks to a human error made during the conversion of housing authorities, my loan has come to a hiatus at the last moment. I've been trying for the last two months, but thanks again to all the politeness and sincerity I got to witness in government offices, the struggle might take longer. But I'm definitely able to handle this better; my parents are more disturbed than I'm.
So, has all this experimentation deteriorated my journey towards things beyond life. May be true, but I personally don't think so. I have surely learnt so much during these "attachment" years. The most prominent of those is my belief in what I don't understand as God. It might take more than a life's time for me to understand, but then I know what has changed in me. I've also experienced the greatest of my delights and celebrated the happiest of my moments. But I've also suffered the worst of my disappointments.
What concerns me now is, was I "useful" to anyone during those phases of disappointments. I think to be "useful" to anyone including myself, without attachmental prejudices, I need to be in equilibrium first. If attachment is going to throw me off it, I don't think I need it. Frankly I don't know which way to go, but if my love to people will not reduce, if my hunger to achieve something in life will not mince, if my dedication to my actions will not subdue, or in short if my commitment to life will not suffer - I think I should make every effort not to stay "attached".
I like this attachment-detachment funda:)
ReplyDeleteHmm ... I think to reach the point, as our Gita preaches, where we should not be crying over anyone's death, we've a long distance to cover.
ReplyDeleteI would prefer a fine balance between getting too detached(head) and being too attached(heart) :)
ReplyDeleteOn a related note, some people are very good at making decisions / dealing with life situations in an unemotional way, and some people are so used to doing things emotionally (which sometimes can be crippling)
But who do we remember or who leaves a better impact ? Who touches our lives in a special way ? To me the one that would touch my heart is he with a fine balance of emotional display and balanced brains :)
Your point seems very valid :(
ReplyDeletePlease someone tell me that heart-brain is not the same as attachment-detachment.
Read this somewhere - Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
ReplyDelete:-)..You had to get here isnt it...Mr Ayn Rand Hero...
ReplyDelete